Hey people, i'm back from Back down Indiana way. It was actually a nice weekend. It involved the a few simple steps.

1) The trip down. Stopping at several fast food joints and finding the miracle that is Wendy's chilli (although i should point out that i was desperately disappointed with their burgers.) Also what's with the McDonalds advertisment for their new mini chicken fajita wrap - "welcome to Snacktown, population : delicious". I'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense at all, and is in fact a pretty large abuse of the English language.

2) The birthday party on the saturday. This involved five small children running about like mad mini dictators unwrapping presents, shouting, screaming, drooling, playing with new toys ecstatically then discarding them seconds, stuffing cake into their greedy little mouths and smearing food over everything including the counter, their clothes and their mother, the very person trying to feed them. Ungrateful, selfish, and messy. Or is that harsh? I guess they're really not too bad. Maybe cute even, but if this weekend have taught me anything it's that i only want one child. One. Tops. For sure.

3) The trip back. The one on which we stopped at yet more fast food stores and didn't get sniped. Hooray. Oh, and we picked up Rachel's friend Kimbre who is staying with us for a few days. Which gives me something to do when Rachel's at work. Not Kimbre you understand, i mean we'll do stuff together we'll go to the pub. So, um, yes. That was my weekend. Nice.

why howdy folks,

hope y'all are doing good. I know i have somewhat been neglecting this blog but that's because i've been extremely busy. Well, no, maybe not. If truth be told i've been extrememy un-busy so i've had nothing that much to write about. I've watched a lot a lot of television and played a lot a lot of X-Box. Currently (for all those who care) i've been playing Blitz : The League which involves American football with no penalty flags and extra points for giving people concussion or broken bones. What a simply genius idea for a game. Oh, and talking of sport i've watched my precious Red Sox tumble into a five game losing streak (and as if that wasn't bad enough all the losses have been against bottom placed teams, have seen the MFYankees climb above us in the division and have seen the Red Sox fall to third in the wildcard race. Hmmm.

So anyway, the point is i'm going down to Indiana to see Rachel's family and the like this weekend and i can assure you i shall be blogging and updating like i should. Until then, just let me finish with my three key objective for this weekend

1) Don't get shot by the madman with a gun on the road we have to take to get to her house. For no reason some nutter had been sniping people for the side of the roads. Thank goodness for the second ammendment. The fact that i too could go get a gun tomorrow as easy as 1-2-3 (even though i'm sure i'd almost be as dangerous as him with it) makes me feel so much safer. Remember, guns don't kill people, people do. Yeah, and tell that to the guy with a hole in his head.

2) Ring my mum and admit that i STILL haven't posted the Vegas postcards.

3) Eat a mountain of the delicious food Rachel's family seemingly always manage to cook. Piles of Mac & Cheese, chicken, lasagne and all sorts of quality tucker. Yum.

Later people.

Good afternoon people. Or good evening if you're over in England i guess. Either way i hope you're doing good.

I'm actually going to do something i'm not usually very good at and try to cut down the ammount of writing i do, and in an attempt to do so i'm going to simply write down my favourite and least favourite part each day since the last time i wrote. This (in theory at least) stops you getting bored and stops me sounding like a verbose bastard.

FRIDAY

the good: Friday was a day of drinking. Well, the evening was. It was Rachel's friend's birthday on Friday so on friday evening we went around their house (near downtown Chicago) and drunk. And then they went out to a bar so i carried on drinking and watched fantastic T.V like twenty year old American gameshows. There is one particular gameshow that i feel i have to say a quick something however. It's called the newlywed show. The host asks the wives questions whilst the husbands are away, and then they bring them back and if the husband gives the same answer they get points, and they don't have to get divorced. Or something. I don't know. Now normally the questions are something like 'which of your husband's friends is best known for being funny' or 'where is the funniest place you've had sex'. However, in this seventies version (before the days of being P.C. apparently) the question was 'what colour is your husband's most foreign friend'?' And if that wasn't rascist enough the options were yellow, brown, or tan. Surely you can't get away with that?!

the bad: isn't it obvious? The manic tidying to make this pigsty of a house suitable for Rachel's dad (who was coming up on Saturday)

SATURDAY

the good: Rachel's dad arrived in downtown around eleven, so we met him down there (we had somewhat cleverly stayed at Rachel's friends' house the day before. We walked around, saw some stuff and then went to the movies. This was both the good, but also the very, very bad (see below...)

the bad: We all know my feeling on American cinema audiences. But i figured they'd earnt a second chance. Suffice to say they blew it. Rachel and her dad went to see The Decent, but because her little brother was there (and because i'm a pansy) i took him to see 'Barnyard - the origanal party animals'. The film was in fact not too bad (and i thought was quite sad) but that's not the point. And yes, the audience was annoying, how they clapped and uh-ohed and how the little girl in front of me started crying when (MINI SPOILER AHEAD (as if you care)) the cow died but that really wasn't what made me mad. I wasn't even too upset when the small girl got out her booster seat which made her eight feet tall so i couldn't even see properly. What made me angry were the previews.

On saturday, i saw my first shameful Christmas plug. And it's still only August. Tim Allen has somehow got permission to make a pathetic movie about Santa Clause featuring a flimsy plot, terible acting and a range of characters including (somewhat inexplicably) Jack Frost trying to take over Christmas. I can only guess that they couldn't get the rights to the Grinch. I'm not in anyway particularly against the commercialisation of Christmas. Everyone needs new pairs of socks and hideous sweaters as presents from relatives that we have never even seen but this is a step too far. I'm surprised that they weren't selling advent calenders in the foyer along with the popcorn and water (which incidently they charged me four bucks for) or displaying how many shopping days there are until Christmas on the screen (and incidently, as you're now wondering there are in fact 134.) I just think is a little too far. It's only August man! And it's so messed up andI really wouldn't be surpised if half the kids in the audience didn't think that it's actually Jesus that brings you presents down the chimney (note to self - hilarious mental image). But enough of my moaning, i don't want to sound like an old person. Anyway, as long as this crazy new Jesus Santa man brings me everything that's on my list i couldn't care less....

SUNDAY

the good: the aquarium we visited. It had dolphins. and otters, and a wierd fish called a 'monkey faced blenny'. Enough said.

the bad: giant anacondas, green moray eels, fiendishly large octopus, bird eating spiders, giant fire ants, the most poisonous frogs and lizards known to man and thousands of American tourists. Help...

O.k, so perhaps i have some explaining to do. It turns out that Rachel is not technically a druggie and that may have been a slight exageration. The trouble is, it's been a boring couple of days since i got back from Indianapolis so i fid myself embellishing stories to make them a little more exciting. She has been taking lots of pills though, if that restores any faith you once had in me.

She hadn't been feeling too good over the last few days, and yesterday we finally went to the hospital to sort her out, and they gave her loads of pots of drugs. Orange ones, wierd large white ones and a whole batch or some kind of pain killers. I would like to pretend she's totally doped up and flopping all over not knowing what she's doing but in fact she's just like normal. Shame.

Anyway, she's taken the day off work and this has finally put an end to my sitting around and doing nothing, which is marvelous. It also means that we have sat on the couch and none nothing except watch bad T.V (more on that later) and a lot a lot of films. Being a very opinionated man i'm going to leave a list here with a comment on each, hopefully saving you from having to watch some of the monstorously bad movies that i had to endure.

The Devil's Advocate - Great for those who like the ending to make no sense
The Sweetest Thing - Good for those who like the point of the film to make no sense
Boondock Saints - Perfect for those who have no sense of thier own. If you do, don't watch it.

Clerks - Boring AND in black and white
The Bourne Identity - Not bad but a few grey areas
Die Hard With Avengence - Passes with flying colours

Billy Elliot - Yeah
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Meh
Swingers - Bleuuughh

Love Actually - I actually really liked this one. So i have no sacracstic or derogatory comment. Which feels kind of strange.

And now that i have taken your time to force my opinion onto you i will say but one more thing. American television is not all bad, i have to admit, but a few days ago i saw a T.V program that has left me a broken man. A scared and broken man. Worse still, the program that left me feeling so dirty and violated is in fact designed for small children. It's called Pee Wee's Playhouse.

It features amongst other characters a talking globe, a creppy doll puppet type thing, and a living breathing window. Oh, and of course Pee Wee himself. I have nothing left to say except that any parent who would willingly leave there child in this man's company for half an hour (albeit only T.V company) should be reported immediately to social services. Or, even better taken out back and shot immediately. I can only imagine how many nightmares this man has caused (and at the risk of being sued how many children he has stolen and sacfiriced to his Gods)...

NEWSFLASH!!! Rachel's a druggie


(true story)